**This blog was written back in June of last year, 2019. Little did I know that we would be living in quarantine from Covid 19. As I reviewed this writing, I wanted to send it out again to help those that have feelings and emotions bubbling up to the surface not knowing what to do. Simply allow.

The word ‘allow’ means to give permission and permit the sharing of something. We are granting permission for something to happen. If we don’t allow certain things, sad or happy, to come forth, we create a barrier or boundary. For instance, it’s like those horrible sneezes that come up on us. Because we are usually around people, we don’t want to sneeze on anyone. That’s when some of us choose to try to hold it in. But all of us know that holding in a sneeze is one of the hardest things to do. We are trying desperately to keep it inside our body which makes things worse.

Allowing Our Fear

The same thing happens when we don’t allow things to happen normally in our life. We are trying frantically to control everything by micro managing every step of every moment. Once we create these barriers to hold these things from happening, we are only making things worse. We need to realize that these things must happen in order for other things to occur.  

What happens is the fears we experienced from the past come up and try to take control. My past fear of being rejected came up when I was getting my old bike ready for the summer months by putting more air in and using steel pad on the rust forming on my handle bars. My husband was using a hand pump and before I knew it he had taken off. My first thought was that the hand pump was not going fast enough so he took my bike to the car where we have an air pump. I grabbed his bike and ventured down the condo sidewalk to the car to get air put in his. Once I made it to the end, he was riding my bike making twists and turns. He mentioned how badly my gears worked. In my head I was saying, “Yup, it’s been that way for years. I know I’ve told you. Why are you bringing it up like it’s new news?” As this thought made its way to completion in my mind, he said the darndest thing; “This is bad, we need to go get you a new one.” My mind was repeating my tirade becoming so defensive, and the other part of me was saying, “Wow, he finally sees it. Let’s do this.”

Allow Instead of Control

How many times do we speak up about something not working to its full capacity, and as soon as our partner finally sees it, we get controlling? Yes, in the past I may have not gotten my way, but that needed to happen so that my time comes now. My partner may not have wanted to put me first in the past because of financial reasons, but my time has come now. He simply told me to go get ready and we’d go look at some.

Wow! I have to say I was floored. There was still a bit of hesitation in me because I wasn’t accustomed to this favorable treatment. Instead of fighting it or actually picking a fight by bringing up my old fears of never coming first or never getting things that I’ve spoken up for, I went with the flow. I let it happen. I allowed this to take place.

As I allowed this, it came to mind that I wasn’t the only one working on myself. With our girls being away for college, he was seeing things differently and responding in a more positive and supporting manner. If I picked the fight and acted upon my past fears, shopping for a new bike would not have happened. As I took time to select one that I liked the best, it turned out that we’d have to special order and wait a bit. That was no problem to me. I waited this long, I could wait longer. I had a chance to see this allow-thing play out.  

Allowing the Pain

When we are going through something painful, it’s hard to think we can just turn off the emotions and hurt and live happily ever after. Needless to say, we’re not in a place where we want to allow additional pain and hurt. Yet, we can with the right tools given from the universe.

After a child falls and scrapes their knee, a parent cleans and covers it putting it back on the mend. When this happens, the child doesn’t talk about the fall in every sentence day after day. Typically, they have the great idea of getting on with their life. They have their mind set on what’s to come next. We as parents or adults get stuck in our pain. It may have happened last week, last year, or a decade ago, but some of us speak about it like it just happened. We’re creating a barrier by using the hurt instead of allowing the pain to come out.

Allow Your Feelings

Death of a close loved one is hard and I’m not saying to get over it. It is up to us to use and practice strategies to get us back on track at that moment. However, when we are in it, getting out of the hard feeling seems so far away. It is important for us to think like the child. We need to be upset with a cry, dust ourselves off, and move on to our next moment. The death of a loved one is going to take time. We need to cry out the feelings that come up, acknowledge their departure, and practice putting a smile on our face knowing in our heart that’s what they would want us to do. We know the hurt of losing a loved one will never end; it is how we move through it by taking care of our heart which is what helps.

When it comes to the horrible things that close friends or family members do to us, we simply must do as the fallen child would do. We need to dust off the hurt as we cry out the pain, and allow these things to happen. As in the example of letting the old gears of the bike be seen, I need to allow their actions to happen. Through their behavior, they will either see their lesson and make corrections, or simply push down their misbehavior and not grow from it.

Allow the Hurt

As I ventured off out west to start my family with my husband, it changed my personal family dynamic with my parents and sibling. At first I thought it was something I did, as most of us empaths think. But as the years went by and I worked on my heart and mind and dealt with my lessons, they didn’t seem to grow from their end. I realized that they have things going on in their lives that they still complain and carry around. They didn’t allow certain things such as feelings or moments to happen. They’ve created barriers for their pain, they responded by lashing out at those who seemed to figure things out by living their best life, and they see them dealing with life’s lessons.

Allow the Pain to Help Shine Their Light

By trying to control their feelings and not letting the pain come out, they have been stuck in their past hurt. As we all know, those who are hurting hurt others. Because they live in the darkness with their pain, they see those of us that are in the light shining our own rays and use us as target practice. I’ve had this happen on both sides of my family and in-law family. By controlling details of a sick family member and even announcing their death is only their doing. The pain felt from being left out of the loop by people who you expected to reach out can feel enormous. The hurtful Facebook posts, of humiliation and seeing others’ comments that you thought had your back, can spin your head into obscurity. The overall elimination from a family you wanted to be a part of can create deep sadness, especially when you’re treated unfairly and targeted with cruel behavior. But the question remains the same, do we want to carry it around with us, or allow them to happen and practice ways of helping to alleviate the pain?

Allowing Helps Life Flow

My hope to everyone is that we pick the second. As we learn and practice different ways of helping ourselves out of the pain, we can give back by sharing them with others. Simply mentioning out loud what we have been through and sharing some unthinkable moments can be a success to show others how we came out the other side. I feel we need to let others aware that there is happiness through the pain. As we practice self care from meditation, rest, letting the pain comes out in tears, and simply allowing the hurt to be exposed, we are helping others around us. They see us allowing these things to happen and see the outcome of giving permission to feel.

** Sunset photo by Julie Hernandez in Ensenada, Mexico & flower photos by Raquel Dixon at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden.