Disappointment can make us all feel not enough at first, but later we can think of ideas to move forward. Lucky for me my disappointment brought up some deep childhood trauma to help me learn how to move into a more regulated state when it comes to my feelings.

When something in life doesn’t go your way, especially when it connects to a passion like writing, the feeling of being defeated occurs. At this point, some can easily bring in positive thoughts and become the supporting cheerleader in order to help come up with other ideas to move forward. While others like me finally see their past trauma and get a glimpse of how the other side lives.

Movement Helps Our Trauma

On Sahara Rose’s podcast with Sarah Baldwin, I learned about somatic experiencing. It contends that negative symptoms from trauma such as anxiety and shame result from denying your body the opportunity to fully process the traumatic event. Learning to speak the language of our bodies is important by showing the body we’re safe instead of telling ourselves that we’re safe.

Occasionally verbal language doesn’t always work when we are experiencing something that either triggers us or an experience which has us in peril. What I mean here is that there are times when we have to do something other than verbal. One might need to add movement, touch and or vibration in order to work through their anxiety or feeling of shame. Being still and repeating positive thoughts doesn’t always work for everyone.

Nervous System as a Friend

Sometimes no matter how we feel, a word being repeated doesn’t work like mantras. They don’t become embodied. However, once we go into our body to feel supported, it becomes embodied. At this point our words practiced will begin to work because the feeling is being felt.

As I think of the pain my friend and I felt while we were in childhood, we see how our nervous system worked in our best interest by supporting us through our anguish. We see that at times, our system helped us shut down so we didn’t feel certain pain physically or emotionally. It seemed to place the bad moments by putting them into boxes and storing them away in our mind.

I think this is where I believe that we can seem to be ok or normal while we still have these feelings embedded in our bodies. As adults, we are learning how to let these feelings from our past trauma come out and be seen. When this happens, we can give these feelings the support and love so that they can be seen so in turn they can release themselves from us.

Body Movement Helps Children

This can be an important wake up call for parents. Movements or actions that may seem strange to you are a child’s way of helping themselves calm in a fight or flight moment that they are feeling. Touch, vibration or movements are ways that children move from a stuck feeling. When using our different senses, a child can move through the different stages to achieve regulation. First by leaving the dorsal stage of shutting down. Then through sympathetic of feeling to the stage of regulation where we all want to be, in order to support and heal in order to go into a restored state. Because others may even be humming, some parents may think their child has a problem when in fact their child is actually curing their problem.

However, some of us slip into sympathetic stages. This is where we can slip into behaviors of fawning or freeze as a trigger from our past seems to spiral out like a snake and attack out positive nature. This happened when something I was working on to promote my book was rejected. We all have the right to feel disappointed but this time it was different for me. If I look back to my past, I can see how I had the same triggering feeling along with trying to keep it under wraps. In the past I hid these feelings whereas now I’ve allowed myself to feel all emotions. By giving me permission to have these feelings, a miracle of understanding happened right in front of my eyes.

Feeling Disappointment

As the disappointment came up, an old chest seemed to open up inside and release the past feeling of not being supported. As a child, I was told I was stupid when seeking help for my homework. So if that was how I was treated, when a large school project came up I definitely didn’t reach out for help. Now switching to present day, I recalled someone telling me how I never amounted to anything. If these are the voices and thoughts going through my mind, no wonder I was feeling like I was in a fight or flight mode.

Sadness came because of the rejection, but the tears streamed because of the words from past trauma came up. Finally, I stopped and took a look at why I was feeling these since it was a semi-small disappointment. It wasn’t the end of the world. All that was needed was for some thought to guide me into a more favorable path.

Adult Self Helping Younger Self

Since I was working on me and my past feelings, I felt safe enough to analyze the emotions that were breaking me down. I practiced using my adult self to help my younger self. Acknowledging those things that happened in my past weren’t happening now was the first step. By doing this, my younger self was able to acknowledge that positive feeling and release its hold on my worthiness. In turn, I asked my husband how his brain works and where it goes when he experiences a disappointment. Wow, to those of you who had a cookie-cutter childhood, you are so lucky. He said he will right away say to himself that he will figure out another way to do what he wanted. There would be no tears or heart break, only a drive forward with a smile.

Hopefully you’ll have someone support you. When I had the courage to tell him I wasn’t approved for the permit to hang by banner advertising my book, he right away said not to worry. He stated with such excitement that we would find a different avenue to take. He said WE! That alone helped me deal with the old voices in my head. I experienced instead of feeling alone.

The Beautiful Breakthrough

Now that is a beautiful breakthrough. His positive reaction is what helped me muster up my courage to ask how he would take a disappointment. Sometimes we think everyone has the same experiences and live the same way. When we maneuver through our fear, we see truths and experience the shifts necessary to move us into more of a restored state. Once we acknowledge our differences, we can use them to help shape our reactions to becoming more regulated.

This isn’t to shame or put down those of us who didn’t have the nicest of childhoods. I’d also like to share that even if someone has a cookie-cutter childhood doesn’t mean they are trauma free. We all have our weaknesses and areas where we have to better ourselves. No one is perfect, which helps me see that I may have this to contend with yet I am not one to lash out and use my words to hurt someone.

Finding Your Safe Space

When I discovered this ah-ha moment, I felt a shift in my thinking and feeling. My heart seemed to have a small wound heal from dark red to a more vibrant shade. My thoughts seemed to have so many positive thoughts rush in. They took the place of the negative ones that I kept in bags and stored in the back of my mind. Another shift seemed so simple. With a deep breath, I found myself moving on through the sympathetic phase into regulating. If I think back, some of my past trauma would have me check out and enter the dorsal space where I would basically shut down.

It becomes one’s safe space however it isn’t the healthiest place to be for your body. When you enter into this space, you’re not only shutting down to hide, but you’re shutting important things like for example your immune system. By doing that, you are allowing your body to deal with a virus or infection with no help of safety.

Some of our trauma may feel so heavy that we don’t want to even look at it let alone open its box to relive. This is a great time to use the adult we are today to walk hand in hand with our younger self and observe the trauma feeling together. The adult you can walk near it with the safety of knowing that was in the past. By becoming the support team you always looked for, you can overcome and release these tough feelings from your past trauma as well.

Healed Tears

We can state the simplicity of it after we had the guts to walk up to it and through it. However, some of us may need a professional to help us in this area. Sarah Baldwin, who was the guest on Sahara’s podcast, can be just that person. People who have experience and knowledge in this area should be the ones to help.

My intention for this blog is to help others become aware that our tears through a small struggle have meaning. Our past trauma was real to us and shouldn’t be taken lightly. For others to put us down for these is wrong. Finding a safe place and person to share these with is a great help. I’m always good at healing from something. However, I begin beating myself up for taking so long or not seeing the simplicity in the answer. Don’t let that happen to you. Once you see the light, celebrate that brave moment. It takes a lot of courage to step into fear as we shake off our trauma. Move forward with a smile on your face and your light beaming for others.